he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize