So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
