tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
