I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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