Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
