There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
