its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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