You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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