taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
