By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
