Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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