Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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