genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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