The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
