I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
