i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize