my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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