i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Randomize
