she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
