party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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