the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
