I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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