There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
