His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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