DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
he was CRYING into my vagina
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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