I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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