Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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