i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
