I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Randomize
