Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I supernannyed him into submission
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
