two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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