Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he puts the penis in happiness.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
