If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
