My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
