I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize