Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
