dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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