were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
