Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize