I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
