The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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