i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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