If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize