Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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