new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
