you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
