Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
