I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize