***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
