his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
