When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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