I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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