I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
