You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Randomize
