I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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