I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
