All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Randomize
