i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize