I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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