I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
