I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Randomize
