it was like eating out sand paper
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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