I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Randomize
