Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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