I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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