Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She bit a glass in half.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
im calling her cock vulture from now on
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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