There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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