It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
